Steve invites us into his home and around his kitchen table to talk about his family's journey as active community members, advocates and family members of a loved one with a disability. Home is truly where the heart is, but there is a lot more to this story.
We are grateful to the Wittman family for providing us permission to use Michael's song Listen as our theme music.
Tea and Stories Podcast Episode 3 - Transcript summary in plain language
This conversation is an intimate, reflective interview over tea with Steve about family, home, community, and caring for his daughter Naomi, who has special needs. The main themes are how family gatherings have changed over time, how home and support networks evolved, and how service, trust, and shared leadership sustain their family.
1. How family gatherings have changed
Steve begins by describing how family gatherings looked in earlier generations:
When his own parents were alive in Vancouver:
They had a modest “Vancouver special” house.
Their idea of a gathering was to pack the house with friends and cousins.
There were chairs even on the stairs, kids running everywhere, and food all over the kitchen.
This was a way for new immigrants in the 1960s to find comfort and solidarity with each other in tough times.
In Phyllis’s (his partner’s) family, gatherings centered on:
Japanese New Year (January 1).
Weeks of preparation for special Japanese delicacies that appeared only once a year.
A formal tradition of having omochi soup in the morning on New Year’s Day to bless the year.
Celebrations went on for three or four days with relatives and friends visiting.
Later, as a couple, Steve and Phyllis created their own family traditions:
They bought a large maple dining table that could seat about 10–12 people.
It became the center of formal turkey dinners and holiday celebrations with family and friends.
Over time, as they aged and it became harder for Phyllis to host large groups, their gatherings became smaller and more intimate.
Today, their family gathering is much simpler and more regular:
Naomi comes over on Thursdays and Sundays.
If she needs Mr. Rogers, that’s their “family shorthand” for knowing she’s had a hard week and needs extra comfort.
They talk about the week and simply spend time together.
Most evenings, it’s just Steve and Phyllis having dinner—nothing fancy, just everyday conversation. This, too, is their “family gathering.”
Steve describes these changes as a kind of breathing: their family life has expanded and contracted over time, but always centers around a table and time together.
2. Naomi, her homeshare family, and shared home life
Naomi now lives with a homeshare family:
They live in the same building as Steve and Phyllis, but in a separate unit downstairs.
They have a child, who is about three years old and calls Steve “Granddad.”
Naomi moves comfortably between:
Her life with her homeshare family downstairs.
Her time upstairs with Steve and Phyllis.
She sees them often:
In the elevator, around the cars, coming and going.
Naomi also has support from:
A CL (community living) worker on weekdays who takes her out into the community.
Evenings with her homeshare family going to events, shopping, walking.
Steve describes their setup as:
Naomi’s homeshare family is its own family.
Naomi is part of both households.
She has a rich network of friends, faith community, and extended “family” who support her.
Steve and Phyllis feel they are now often in the background, “just observers,” watching Naomi’s life unfold as they themselves slow down with age.
3. Multiple moves and the evolving sense of home
Sophie asks about the transition from their large family house to Naomi’s independent space and how that affected their sense of home.
Steve explains:
They once had a big house where:
Naomi lived in a lovely, purpose-built basement suite.
It included:
A walk-in shower that could fit a commode and a wand to wash her hair.
A tub.
A separate bedroom for Naomi.
An extra bedroom for her care worker.
Naomi and her worker lived downstairs; Steve and Phyllis lived upstairs.
Over time, the garden and upkeep of the big house became too much, and Steve knew “time doesn’t stand still.” They needed to move.
Phyllis found their current home, and they also needed to find a place for Naomi and Marisol.
They found:
A two-bedroom unit in the same building for Naomi and her homeshare family:
They thought this would be their “forever home”.
The unit had a beautiful northwest corner exposure with lovely sunlight.
Then, life changed again:
Naomi’s homeshare family grew
Suddenly, the two-bedroom unit had four people:
The space was too small.
A three-bedroom unit became available:
They secured it for Naomi and her homeshare family.
That is now their current home.
The transitions involved:
Many moves—Steve estimates four, five, or six moves.
They had help from family:
For a time, they stayed in an unused unit offered by their daughter Akemi, which eased the transition.
They had community support:
The homeshare family’s church community helped with moving.
They didn’t even hire movers; church members came and helped out of love and solidarity.
Steve says that even though moving was a lot of work, each move improved things for the family, including the homeshare family. Everyone understood the moves were “for the good of the family,” broadly defined.
4. Trust, community, and “being family” without just blood ties
Sophie asks about the trust involved in letting others care for Naomi and play roles that parents once played.
Steve’s view:
Trust is central.
You must truly believe in your heart that:
These people are part of your family.
If something happens to you, Naomi will be taken care of.
He compares it to trusting blood relatives: you expect family to care for each other.
He and Phyllis now see:
Naomi’s homeshare family as their family.
They see Naomi as deeply part of both families.
Once you have that core belief—that the people around you are solid and loving—everything else (planning, facing challenges, making decisions) becomes easier.
Life will always bring challenges, but that core of love, trust, and shared responsibility is the heart of things.
5. Their broader support network: daughters, trustees, planners, and agencies
Steve talks about a wider circle of support:
Daughters and close family
Their first daughter is actively involved.
Deb, another friend, has been with Naomi since kindergarten:
She took Naomi to preschool.
She has watched Naomi grow over her whole life.
She now lives in Penticton.
She is a trustee and is deeply involved through Zoom, calls, and visits.
Planners and support professionals
They have a team of two or three planners (with PLAN) who work with the family.
These planners are like gatekeepers and a safety net:
They see or speak with Naomi regularly—about every two weeks.
Because of that ongoing contact, they know what is normal for her.
If something in her behavior is “off” or unusual, they can notice early and know how to respond.
Steve and Phyllis see themselves as observers and overseers now; if something serious happens, they expect planners to know and act.
Service organizations
BACI (a service group) has been wonderful, providing:
Services and resources.
Opportunities to keep Naomi engaged and to participate in outings and community life.
Steve emphasizes that when they look at how everything fits together:
They didn’t follow a detailed “blueprint”.
They did not say, “We have to do this, then that” in a rigid way.
Instead, as needs arose, people and resources appeared.
They would say, “Can you do this for us?” and people would say, “Yes, we can.”
Over time, these pieces became part of the structure of their life and Naomi’s support system.
6. Asking for help: effort, responsibility, and self-worth
Sophie asks about how hard it can be for families to ask for support, and what it’s been like for Steve.
Steve’s philosophy:
Having a special needs child or someone in need is a special gift, not something to use to demand things from the world.
You don’t go out and say:
“I have a special needs child, give me everything you can.”
Instead, you must:
Actively seek out what services and supports exist.
Take responsibility: “It’s up to you.”
Put in the time and effort to understand what is available.
“Putting your time in” means:
Serving on committees and boards.
Doing advocacy work.
Attending events.
Participating in societies and councils related to disability and community living.
He emphasizes:
Resources are not guaranteed; they can be taken away.
What you receive is transient, so you must be:
Smart and proactive about using your own resources.
Willing to invest your own money and effort at times (e.g., buying special equipment, a car for Naomi).
When you talk to funders, the right approach is:
Clearly articulate your real need:
Explain the situation.
Explain what it costs you.
Ask, “How much can you offer to me?” instead of “Give me the money.”
This approach:
Preserves your self-worth as a family.
Helps you feel you are getting what you truly deserve, not begging.
Helps you see your family as special and worthy, not as simply needing handouts.
For younger families, he suggests:
Start by piecing together:
A few hours of support here and there.
Involvement in committees or boards.
Connections with other families.
Over time, this:
Builds community.
Helps families share ideas and strategies.
Strengthens self-esteem and independence.
There is no single blueprint; you learn from:
People around you.
Beacons and mentors who guide you for a time.
But eventually, you become your own person and your own advocate.
7. Learning leadership and advocacy through service
Sophie notes that Steve’s approach involves serving—joining boards and committees, giving time, and building skills. She asks how this involvement shaped his philosophy.
Steve explains:
Serving on boards, councils, and committees, and doing advocacy, teaches you:
How boards talk to organizations like CLBC (Community Living BC).
How to draft documents.
How to apply for funding and build a case.
How to speak on behalf of others and your community.
You learn by watching and doing:
You see board members present a case.
If funding is awarded, you feel you deserve it because you helped do the work.
Through committee work with peers and families:
You learn how to articulate your thoughts.
You learn how to present your needs and your organization’s needs to funders.
The key is not to argue from entitlement, but to:
Present the situation clearly and respectfully.
Let the process unfold.
Use the support of experienced people in organizations like PLAN and Bocce, who can help you refine and present your case.
Over time:
You build your own network of people for guidance and advice.
But this only happens if you commit to:
Not just taking.
Choosing to learn, advocate, and give back.
8. Inviting others into leadership: passing the torch
Steve and Phyllis are intentionally passing on this approach to others, especially:
Their trustees and family.
Naomi’s homeshare family
He gives concrete examples:
Naomi’s homeshare caregiver goes to a walking club:
Steve encourages her: “Why don’t you lead the walking club?”
The idea is to move from participant to leader.
Naomi’s other homeshare caregiver loves basketball:
Steve suggests: “Can I be an assistant coach?”
Again, shifting from just attending to taking responsibility and leading.
They also took a family holiday together:
A houseboat trip on the Shuswap for three or four days.
Steve had been on a houseboat before, but this time:
He let Naomi’s homeshare caregivers:
Captain the boat.
Make decisions.
Choose rooms.
Dock (“berth”) the boat.
Drive.
He wanted them to experience and own that responsibility, because in a few years:
He and Phyllis may not be able to do those things themselves.
He wanted them to see that this kind of recreation is available to them, and that they have the tools to take Naomi and their family on such trips without relying on Steve and Phyllis.
For Naomi, this is also powerful:
She sees her homeshare family taking the lead.
Steve and Phyllis can simply be with her, enjoy her, and let others carry the heavier responsibilities.
It shows Naomi that:
She is surrounded by people who can and will lead.
Her life is not dependent solely on her parents.
Sophie comments that this is like literally and figuratively letting them “steer the boat.” Steve agrees that it’s an intentional, empowering gesture.
9. How they now see Naomi and their everyday relationship
Steve describes a shift in how they see Naomi:
When Naomi comes up for meals:
She is “just Naomi”.
Not “the special needs daughter” or someone defined by disability.
She is simply part of the nuclear family having dinner.
They accept her moods—whether she’s grumpy or cheerful.
They talk when they can, and just share time and presence.
For Steve and Phyllis, especially in their senior years:
Being able to have dinner and time with their daughters is a gift.
“That’s enough.” They don’t need anything more than that.
10. The question Steve wishes people would ask
When Sophie asks if there is a question he wishes he had been asked, Steve says one would be:
“What is the relationship between you, life, and your special needs daughter?”
He explains:
Once they had Naomi and began to understand:
The path she was on.
The tools and supports that could make her life wonderful.
Everything else in life—work, social life, even health—became:
Secondary.
Easier by comparison.
Caring for Naomi is the hardest task they have faced.
He frames Naomi as a gift from God:
As if God said, “We’re going to try you. I think you’re up to the challenge.”
He believes:
You must not let this challenge overwhelm you.
Within every person, there is the capacity to overcome feelings of ‘I can’t’.
When you handle this central challenge, the rest of life feels easier.
11. Who Steve would invite for tea, and why
Sophie’s final question:
If Steve could have tea at this table with anyone, who would it be, and why?
Steve chooses Tiny Tim, a musician from the 1960s–70s:
Tiny Tim was:
A Jewish Polish man raised in New York.
Known for:
His falsetto singing.
Adopting the style of a woman singer from the 1930s.
His quirky appearance: long hair, an ill-fitting suit, big feet made for “walking New York streets.”
Imperfect appearance, like crooked teeth, but a memorable presence.
Steve imagines asking Tiny Tim:
“Why did you do this?”
He thinks Tiny Tim would answer:
“Because I could.”
Steve connects this to his own life:
He bought Phyllis a concert ukulele to develop her hand and finger skills.
She’s taking classes, improving her playing, even adapting after injuring her thumb by using other fingers to strum.
He doesn’t “teach” her; she’s learning on her own.
The story of Tiny Tim and the ukulele hints at:
Doing things because you can.
Finding joy in unconventional expressions.
Embracing life’s richness despite imperfections.
He ends by reflecting:
Their life is rich and full.
They love living.
He hopes that, if God permits, they can live a long life and continue enjoying this richness.
The conversation closes with Sophie thanking Steve for his time, his stories, and the tea, and expressing deep appreciation for what he has shared.